Scotty's List
by Malteaser
Summary: The Enterprise crew breaks all the rules. Even the ones they make themselves.


It's called Scotty's List because, during the early days of the Enterprise, it hung outside Scotty's "office" from an indeterminable piece of technology which later turned out to be a spare warp coil injector with the coils melted off. It started out as a general, printed advisory, which was then edited with pen. It wasn't too long before it became a sort of unofficial means of communication among Engineering personnel, and Science personnel and everyone else on the ship.

1) No one is allowed to have sex in the Captain's chair!

2) No, not even with the Captain. Not that anyone here is insinuating that he would engage in such unprofessional behavior.

3) Seriously it takes time and effort to fix that chair. Stop it.

4) No, you can't have sex at helm instead.

5) Nor navigation.

6) The entire bridge is now officially a no-copulation zone.

7) No one believes the orgy spore excuse, Captain.

8) To Do: Refine the transporters to filter out orgy spores.

9) While you're doing that, could you find some way to filter out ions?

10) Yeah, before you do any of that, find a way to change all our genders back.

11) When I say I can't do something, it's possible that I may not actually be able to do it.

12) To Do: Pull the other one. It plays Dixie!

13) Lt. Gaila Ouronas is not available for sexual favors at any price; should you insinuate as much, you will be hit with a hypo spanner, and deserve it too.

14) To Do: Get the Captain to approve Lt. Davis' transfer. Signed: Everyone else.

15) Also, Lt. Keenser is not a plushie, and refuses to be treated as such.

16) On a related note, I think we've found Admiral Archer's missing beagle. And he's a bit pissed off. And big.

17) Do not feed the dog. Nobody feed the bloody dog.

18) To Do: Perfect the use of transporters in shrinking living beings.

19) Okay, you can feed the dog tribbles.

20) You can throw the tribbles out the bloody airlock, that's what you can do with them.

21) But I'd like not to see any more of them in the stew.

22) Someone call the Admiral, we've got a wee little beagle to give him!

23) No, we cannot have a dog.

24) Not even an alien attack dog with horns.

25) I'm not feeding it. And as it's nominally the property of the Science personnel, they can clean up after it too.

26) All hail the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

27) To Do: Kill the pastaless heathens.

28) To Do: Adjust firewalls to catch subliminal messages.

29) ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD!

30) Not funny, Keenser.

31) No jokes about subliminal messages or brainwashing for a while.

32) Noodley appendages are out too, okay?

33) Tall people take so long to recover from trauma.

34) Whoever is taking the hypo spanners and returning them sticky, don't.

35) There's something purple growing in the hypo spanner storage cabinet.

36) And glowing. I tried nuking it, but it didn't work.

37) Engineering Section 14 is under quarantine.

38) Engineering Section 14 has sprouted tentacles.

39) Those are vines.

40) They act like tentacles.

41) If you shout "tentacle rape" in any context in which you are not in danger of or in the process of being raped by tentacle-like things, you will find yourself doing maintenance work during the next shore leave.

42) Everyone remember to wear their masks tomorrow, Engineering is being fumigated.

43) Note To All: Fuck it. Work's cancelled today, due to lack of masks and an excess of fumes. If the ship is exploding or needs to explode something I'm sure we'll be told.

44) It is, in fact, possible to reroute the flow of plasma to the starboard nacelle while high off weed-killer fume. Good to know.

45) Weed killer discolors many types of alloys. Also good to know.

46) It also leaves the great-grandmother of all hangovers.

47) The connectors above Section 23 are vibrating rather loudly. I don't they should be doing that.

48) Note To All: No connectors should be vibrating. Ever. If you find one vibrating call your superior over and then run for your lives.

49) VERY IMPORTANT MEETING FOR ALL ENGINEERING PERSONNEL AT 0800 TOMORROW MORNING!

50) Meeting is cancelled. Instead, everyone will be attending Commander Spock's lecture on how to recognize Romulan saboteurs.

51) It's been almost quiet lately. I'm getting nervous.

52) GOOD WORK JACKASS YOU JINXED IT!

53) Those coolant pipes were not built to double as a jungle gym. Don't use it like it is!

54) If you have been de-aged, you are excused from work.

55) If you have been de-aged, you are _banned_ from work.

56) Crying will get you nowhere.

57) Seriously, would it kill the bridge crew to flying _around_ the bloody ion storms!

58) If you've switched genders and/or species when you switched bodies, you are excused from heavy lifting while you adjust to the new center of gravity.

59) How the hell do you navigate the Jefferies is these skirts?

60) You change into pants.

61) Why don't you just wear pants then?

62) Some of us do. Those skirts are optional, you know.

63) Not in dress uniforms, which you'll all be expected to wear when the Admiral comes visiting.

64) They know we've switched bodies, right?

65) Yes. And if you're in a female body, you'll be wearing a dress.

66) I don't know what gender I am anymore.

67) Ask Dr. McCoy.

68) What if he doesn't know either?

69) Ask whoever got had your body originally.

70) OKAY, WE'VE FOUND A WAY TO CHANGE EVERYONE BACK, SIGN UPS ARE UNDER THIS SIGN!

71) What if I don't want to change back?

72) Tough. I want my boobs back!

73) Everybody has to change back. And be ready for the Admiral. What have we forgotten?

74) I believe this sign hanging from the spare injector is in violation of code.

75) Bollocks.


End file.
